Category: personal

Accepting Defeat

I have given up.

For the past 5 weeks (exactly), I have been trying the Atkins diet, hoping to lose approximately 12.5 pounds. I lost 5 pounds in the first 2 weeks and was thrilled at how easy it was, despite the stringent diet restrictions. I was a little unsure as to my ability to maintain the Atkins lifestyle for a prolonged period and knew I’d probably gain the weight back if I ever resumed my normal eating habits, but I was okay for the time being. After the 3rd week, I plateaued. I knew this was likely, so I didn’t panic, and redoubled my efforts to stick to the plan. When I weighed myself yesterday, I found that I’d actually gained back all but 1 pound.

I have not been perfect about it, and I have been drinking wine with some regularity, but after much consideration, I have determined that even if adhering to the plan more carefully would result in further weight loss, it wouldn’t be worth the sacrifice. So I had a beer with my dinner and cheesecake for dessert and am happy and satisfied far more deeply than a carb-free meal could ever have me.

Now I just have to start exercising…

Dreaming of JFK

Dreamt this night before last, but Blogger was down yesterday when I tried to post it…

I was driving my father and sister out of downtown Harrisburg after the three of us attended an event of some sort. We were trying to get back to the highway – I wanted 83 North to get home – but as I approached Locust on Third, intending to turn right and head down Front St toward the highway, I saw a sign that said I-83 N/I-81 N closed, with a detour for I-80 posted. I-80 is over an hour north of Harrisburg, and not where I wanted to be, so I decided to take the city streets home instead, and started heading up Chestnut. Huge hills appeared in front of me, and after barely making it over several, I finally came to one that was nearly entirely vertical. I had enough momentum to make it most of the way up, but as I approached the top, the car just fell off the hill, hitting the top of the hill below and then bouncing and rolling back into the city. We were fine, but the car was ruined, and it was clear we would have to find another way home.

Jancey then must have disappeared, as it was just my father and me on a street corner. It was late and the only people around were drug dealers and beggars – and there a lot of them. One of them approached my father, offering drugs, and although he declined, he started to morph away from actually being my father to becoming just another street person. After not very long, I felt like I needed to get away from all of them, including the man who had been my father. I started walking as quickly as I can, and I was soon completely alone. The city was not geographically identical to the real Harrisburg, but at this point I believe I was near Stallions.

I remembered that I had left my own car in a downtown garage, but I wasn’t sure which one, or where it was. It must have been after hours because there was literally no one around, and I was scared to walk around the city searching for my car, but didn’t see that I had any other option. I was very conscious that if someone attacked me, there would be no one there to see it happen. I had a vague image of where the parking garage was, and so I started walking as quickly as I could, staying in street lights where I could, keeping a sharp eye out for anyone else. There was no one else, and eventually I approached the street I thought the garage was on. I started to turn the corner, then realized that there was nothing on this street, just a long dark alley. I walked on, figuring it must be the next street. Over and over I’d think I’d found it, then peer down the corner only to see darkness and no sign of the garage. Finally, I was sure I had to have found it, but when I looked I could see I was wrong again, but I could see the back entrance to a restaurant I frequented and felt comfortable in.

I walked the 30 feet or so to the door, and went in, only to find that the interior had been completely remodeled and the staff replaced. I had been expecting familiarity and comfort and found none. I thought about staying there anyway, because it felt much safer than being alone on the street, but knew that I was underdressed for what the establishment had become. I was hyperaware of my worn jeans and sneakers, and felt nearly as alone in the midst of the crowd as I had while searching for the parking garage. After ascertaining that I did not know anyone in the building, I left through the front door, which put me out on 2nd St, somewhere near Forester. I looked up to see a man and two women getting into a cab – and realized that the man was a young JFK (JFK, that is, not JFK Jr.).

I got really excited but tried my best to appear calm and collected as I walked over and introduced myself. We shook hands, and the next thing I knew, I was in the cab – which from the inside bore more resemblance to a limo. I wasn’t sure how I came to be in the cab as the women clearly didn’t want me there and JFK didn’t seem to care either way, but I was more than happy to be there.

After driving a little ways we arrived at a very upscale bar and went in. We sat at the bar, JFK farthest from the entrance, then the woman I’d determined he was dating, then the other woman who appeared to be trying to pick him up as well, then me. Two men approached us, and while the three women vied for JFK’s attention, the two men vied for three of us. One of the men was enormously rich and to demonstrate this he kept asking me to hold his change for him every time he bought a drink. This seemed to me to amount to wads and wads of cash, which I glanced at, then stuffed into my pockets, unimpressed. He was rude to begin with, but then became belligerent, and management, with the help of the other man talking to us, escorted him out. My party decided that we needed to split up the money he’d left behind, so they took me outside and shook me by the ankles while change rained from my pockets and littered the sidewalk. We dove for the money, finding mostly half dollars, but it was all coins and far less than we’d thought, and we were disappointed.

Change gathered, we went back into to the bar, and JFK’s attention seemed solidly on his date. I was ready to accept defeat, and reached into my pockets to pay for my drinks. Although I’d thought they’d gotten everything when they shook me upside down, I found a huge wad of cash, which I’d barely glanced at when JFK noticed that I was getting ready to go and pulled me over to him, holding my empty hand. We started talking and were moving closer and closer to each other when one of the women shrieked, “C-Note!” My other hand was full of c-notes and many other denominations, both higher and lower. There were ones, fives, hundreds, five hundreds and twelve hundreds. I questioned the authenticity of the latter, both for its strange amount and the portrait, which appeared to be of a cartoonist whose name I vaguely recognized, but was quickly assured that this was all valid currency. We then had to divide this cash, which we did with a minor amount of discomfort on my part because I was not sure why the others were entitled to any of it, but was also very aware that they didn’t think I was entitled to any of it.

Once the money issues were settled, the other man left while JFK, the other women, and I all made our way to a table. He and I were on opposite sides of a square table, while the two women were both on the other side. He took my hand and we talked and talked, while the women became increasingly agitated. We were just discussing whether he would walk me to my car, or if we would get a cab together when I was awoken by the sound of a lawnmower outside my window…Anticlimactic, but maybe I have the rest of the happy ending waiting for me when I go to sleep tonight…

Mindsets

Beloit College’s Class of 2002 ‘Mindset List’

There’s been a lot of talk about this year’s Mindset List, so I went back and checked the list for the year I would have graduated from college, had I not, well, not graduated from college. I think I might relate to more of the items on this year’s list than I did on that one…

1.The people starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
-I was born in 1981.

2.They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.
-I do remember Reagan, but only because a friend’s mother had a “Ronald Reagan Doormat” dish towel, and I remember being astonished that anyone would think ill of a PRESIDENT.

3.They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
-This is true.

4.Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
-This is less than true, but not false.

5.There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one other president.
-First part is true, but as stated above, I remember Reagan and the first Bush.

6.They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
-I very much remember the cold war, and remember the Berlin Wall coming down.

7.They have never feared a nuclear war. ‘The Day After’ is a pill to them — not a movie.
-I remember fearing nuclear war. I have never seen ‘The Day After’ but ‘Amazing Grace & Chuck’ was one of my favorite movies.

8.They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.
-I don’t have a clear memory of it, but I do remember being told about it.

9.Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
-This is true

10.They never had a polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
-I have never had a polio shot, but I definitely knew what it was by the time I entered college. I think I have memories of one of the teachers at school showing us her scar. I must have been 7 or 8.

11.Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
-Bottle caps have always been screw off, unless we’re talking about beer, in which case they aren’t plastic. I can think of several things that might be called a pull top can, I’m not sure which is actually called a pull top can.

12.Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
-This is true.

13.The expression ‘you sound like a broken record’ means nothing to them.
-I think everyone knows what this means.

14.They have never owned a record player.
-This is true, but I do remember my parents owning one, and I had a BLAST when I was little playing their old records.

15.They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of ‘Pong.’
-Please.

16.Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
-This is true now, but hasn’t always been.

17.There have always been red M&M’s, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
-I did think there had always been red M&M’s, but blue replaced beige while I was in high school.

18.They may never have heard of an 8-track, and chances are they’ve never heard or seen one.
-My family had an 8-track player. I’m not sure I ever used it.

19.The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.
-I remember when the standard was tapes, though.

20.As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
-No way. I remember low 20s.

21.They have always had an answering machine.
-When I was little, we had an answering machine in my father’s office (he was self-employed and worked at home), but didn’t get one for the residential line until much later.

22.Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black & white TV.
-I grew up with a TV set with only 13 channels, only 5 of which were programmed (as they were the only 5 we got). I have seen a black & white TV, but have never owned one.

23.They have always had cable.
-I didn’t get cable until after I entered college.

24.There have always been VCR’s, but they have no idea what Beta is.
-I remember pre-VCR, but didn’t learn what Beta was until after I entered college.

25. They cannot fathom what it was like not having a remote control.
-We had no remote control for most of my childhood.

26. They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
-I remember people being hugely excited by the idea, not much else.

27. Roller-skating has always meant in-line for them.
-Still doesn’t.

28. “The Tonight Show” has always been with Jay Leno.
-Nope, although I doubt I ever saw it with Johnny Carson.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
-I remember them being VERY cool, I have no idea why.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
-No way.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
-I was in Boston the day Larry Bird announced his retirement, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is most definitely a basketball player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
-That’s true.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI and WWII or even the Civil War.
-Not true for any of us, probably. Our fathers were either in the war or have a story about why they weren’t.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
-I may not have known this when I entered collge.

35. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
-Not true.

36. They don’t know who Mork was, or where he was from.
-Ork.

37. They never heard the terms “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” or “De plane, de plane!”
-I know the first one, never heard the latter two.

38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
-This sounds really familiar, but is true.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
-I knew we didn’t always know where it was, I don’t remember that time.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
-He’s always been a freak, I would not say he’s always been white.

41. Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are all places — not music groups.
-They’re both.

42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
-Don’t the Big Breakfasts still come in styrofoam containers? Or are they plastic now?

43. There has always been MTV, and it has always included non-musical shows.
-I never knew what was on MTV since I never had cable.

Bubbles

I wrote this a couple of nights ago, but thought I’d post it now…

Over the course of the last couple months, I’ve developed an acquaintance with a guy I’ve never met in real life. He responded to a personal ad (long story) I put up on PennLive.com, and we’ve been corresponding via email and AIM ever since. What he doesn’t know is that I put my ad up because I read his and wanted to be able to contact him, but couldn’t without first creating a profile. By the time I’d finished, I’d forgotten all about him, until he contacted me about a week later.

I’ve come to really enjoy talking to him, and recently we’ve been talking more often and, I think, have developed a higher level of comfort with each other. We have not seriously discussed meeting, but I think the subject might arise soon. I am open to the idea although I’m not looking for anything more than friendship with him, either emotionally or physically.

What is strange to me is that we live fairly close to each other, we talk all the time, have similar interests and hang-outs, and our paths have never crossed. I drive by the bar where I know he is on my way to pick up Snow, or order a drink 10 minutes after he’s left. It feels like we exist in parallel but completely separate worlds, or that we’re each enclosed in our own bubble, moving through the world independently of anyone around us.

I spend half my time running into people I know, so in a world that often feels extremely small, his existence makes it that much bigger. Sometimes it feels disjointed, like not only are we existing in these separate worlds, but also that I am somehow set apart from the rest of the world as well; sometimes it gives me a sense of calm, reassuring me that somehow I can find quiet even in a world where it feels like I know everyone and have exhausted the limits of this small city.

8/30/2003