My ex-boyfriend had this *look* that he used to give me, sometimes during moments of intimacy, sometimes over coffee, sometimes just in the midst of day-to-day life. This *look* of his would psychokinetically brush the hair back from my face, then tenderly slide its fingers down my cheek, lingering in the hollow where my jaw met my neck. It smiled into me, his blue eyes soft and happy. It was the look that lent credence to his words in the beginning of our relationship when I didn’t know if he was serious about us and the one that later held me at night even when it felt like we’d lost our fire. I forgot about it when we broke up, completely enough that I didn’t even think to feel betrayed by it.
I saw him last night, for the first time in nearly a year. It was strange to see him, and a little awkward, but good. After the initial awkwardness we talked easily and laughed often, but towards the end of the evening, he commented that I’d given him some strange looks, surprised and quizzical, at odd moments. I’m not sure, since he didn’t point them out as they happened, but I think these may have been in response to seeing a certain *look* from him. It did surprise me, quite a bit. That was the “I love you” look, and while we are good friends these days, I know that’s not what was behind it last night. Seeing it shook something inside me, made unsteady a foundation that had been built years ago, the basis of our relationship and, therefore, how view our relationship now. I’m not sure how I should now interpret that look, but clearly my previous interpretation was wrong — and what does that mean about my ability to read people in general?
It will be months and months before I see him again, so I’m not planning on wasting a lot of brain power thinking about it, but it’s there, rolling around in my head, wondering…