true value

Yesterday I went to Home Depot to purchase non-lethal mousetraps.

As I entered the store, I saw a young man slowly moving items from one box to another. He glanced up at me, we made eye contact for the briefest of moments, and he quickly turned away. “That’s okay,” I thought while scanning the banners at the end of each vast aisle, “I’m sure I can find someone to ask.” And I meandered over to the “Garden Center” banner, thinking it a more likely spot than “Plumbing” or “Electrical”.

The Garden Center was full of barbeque grills, cleaning supplies, and even candles — but there were no mousetraps of any sort in sight. So I kept wandering.

I wandered through half the store looking for clues, or at least an employee. Finally, in Cabinets, there appeared an obese man in an orange apron.

“Excuse me,” I said. He turned his head so that he was almost looking at me. “I’m looking for non-lethal mousetraps.” He blinked.

“For what?” he said slowly.

“Non-lethal mousetraps.”

He blinked again, but the eyes that opened were no more comprehending. “Uh. I guess that would be Garden. Down at the end of the store, through the sliding doors, outside.” Another man in an orange apron walked by, and the obese man confirmed that they thought that if they had them they would most likely be in Garden, but there was really no way to be sure.

I thanked them and began walking back toward the sliding glass doors. The obese man in an orange apron remained glued to his spot in Cabinets.

I passed through the sliding glass doors into the inferno that was the outdoor section of Garden. “Near the insecticides,” they’d said, but I could find no insecticides. Just bags and bags of dirt. I had no idea there were so many different kinds of dirt.

I began a fresh search for an employee, thinking that perhaps another orange apron could further narrow the hunt. There was no orange anywhere.

I walked back inside and took one more trip down the Garden aisle. There were no mousetraps; there were no employees.

I kept walking, right back out to my car.

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This afternoon, I went to Hepfer’s True Value Hardware at the Highland Plaza in Lemoyne to purchase non-lethal mousetraps.

I walked in through the sliding glass doors and a blonde woman in a white t-shirt emblazoned with the words “True Value Hardware” looked up.

“Hi,” I said, “I’m looking for non-lethal mousetraps.”

She smiled and nodded. “Let me just get Ray to show you were they are. Ray?!”

Ray appeared.

“Can you show her where the non-lethal mousetraps are?”

Ray nodded, and began walking. I followed.

We arrived at a wall of assorted kinds of mousetraps.

“This what you’re looking for?” he asked, placing it in my hands.

It was exactly what I was looking for.

I took it to the front. I paid for it. I said thank you. I left.