I spent this weekend in western Massachusetts, visiting friends I made at Hampshire College. I left Hampshire after one year and haven’t seen anyone from there in four years, but half a dozen or so of the people I met during that time have remained close to my heart, even as we fell out of touch. Most of the friends I remember graduated within the last year or so and have scattered to different areas but Jared and Justin are still living in western Mass, for now. When Jared called a few weeks ago to invite me to come see them before Justin moves to Boston, I was thrilled to be able to do so. The time I was there was very brief, but I had time to sample some good local beer, hear some cool music, and have a great conversation with the two of them covering life since Hampshire, plans for the future, and political beliefs.
As we said goodbye on Sunday afternoon Jared said, “I’m glad you’re the same Julia I remember.” I didn’t know what to say because I feel like I’ve grown immensely in the last four years, but at the same time I recognized the truth in what he was saying. He and Justin have grown and matured, but they too are still fundamentally unchanged. We were young and idealistic in our first year of college and we are young and idealistic now. We are all, however, more informed than we were then, as well as more contemplative and articulate.
I wonder, though, if ten years from now will find us equally unchanged but growing. The story of growing up often seems to be one of abandonment of ideals in favor of jobs, families, houses, and cars. I see many of my peers, chronological and otherwise, struggling to find a balance, with varying degrees of success.
Some ideals seem to be inherently more compatible with the “real world.” Jared spoke a little bit about thinking that he will never have the money for many of the things he wants to do unless he compromises his ideals. Aside from my feelings about the malleability of our world and a belief that it can be possible to make a decent living without that kind of compromise (unless of those ideals is that money is evil), I wonder if eventually he, like so many of my parents’ generation (sidenote: one of the things I most admire about my parents is that they have always tried to live to their highest truths, and, I think, done well at it) will re-evaluate their priorities in favor of family, comfort, and stability. And I wonder if we make those decisions we are fundamentally changed. I arrived home in the midst of all this wondering and awoke this morning to an email from Kevin about the Enneagram.
I have seen books about the Enneagram in the Self-Help and (pseudo-)Spiritual sections of bookstores and have always dismissed it as hand-wavy crap without knowing anything about it. I have, however, always been interested in personality typing, including the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory (I’m an INTP), so I followed the link in the email and took their free test. It told me that I am a Type 5, which, after reading the descriptions, is where I would have put myself. That intrigued me enough to keep reading.
While some of the philosophy behind it still does seem a little hand-wavy to me, other aspects rang true. There’s a lot I don’t know about it, having just visited their website this morning for the first time, but one thing that struch me was the way in which it analyzed motivation, rather than just behavioral personality. For example, the “Key Motivation” for my type is knowledge. Other types might list beauty, joy, generosity, or truth. The site also includes the following discussion of personality:
The personality has the function of closing us down so that we can feel more defended against a threatening and uncertain world. At one time in our lives, in childhood, this response was adaptive and necessary. We had to identify with whatever qualities we found in ourselves in order to defend ourselves more efficiently and to find our place in the world.
But if we were able to stop identifying with our personality right now, who would we be? What would guide our actions? Who or what would be speaking in us? If, all of a sudden, the “autopilot” that directs many of our actions is no longer in charge, how would we be able to live?
This idea of personality as almost a contrivance of the ego is one that’s always held truth for me, but I’ve also always felt that there was still something fundamental that wasn’t contrived. While Myers-Briggs is an interesting personality inventory, it doesn’t concern itself with the more fundamental things that the Enneagram does. I don’t plan to run out and buy any of their books, but pseudo-spiritualist bullshit or not, what I’ve read so far fits fairly cleanly with other beliefs that I already have, adding a dimension to my ideas about psychology and spirituality.